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To Dad, 10 Years Later

February 20, 2019

The abundance you gave

My whole life through

Of love, friendship, pride

Joy, respect, and laughter

In the sudden stark silence of your heartbeat

Flipped itself inside out and became

A vacuum

Pulling me in and holding me

Breathless under its dark gravity

Lost and disoriented

Not knowing where I was

or how or why it all happened

But just that you were gone

And there was no bottom to the grief.

Until.

Slowly, the basement was revealed.

Bricks of shared humanity

Came into view

In flags that hung lightly in a cool breeze

Decorated with love and hope

In songs that promised sunshine, again

In the feeling of shared grief, lightened

By the power of a big collective prayer

Until finally I could stand

And feel my weight supported again.

Not better, but not lost.

Nothing had changed really, except everything.

And then the days knitted into months

And the months became a year

And all the holidays and moments

That used to be light

were heavy

In the weight of your absence.

Standing at the bottom of a deep well

of loss

Feeling nothing but pain,

One day

The light just flipped on

And I saw

The way out.

And so I gathered up my memories

And looked again

With new eyes

Ready to see differently.

The abundance you had given to me

(To us)

was so much more

Than just the hole it left behind.

That abundance was still Real.

And Tangible.

And Mine to claim.

It had been a gift that need not stop

Simply because the giver was gone.

All the gifts had stayed behind

alive and active, here.

I just had to find them

Where they’d always been.

It was like hitchhiking on a rocket.

Grief transformed

To golden gratitude

And with it, the dark clouds of your not being here now

Parted

And joy shone through – at last.

Teary joy that you had ever been here, and mine,

In the first place:

Holding me up with your twinkling eyes

And your steady hands

And your unwavering trust in all I could be and do.

Nothing was lost.

Just different.

Sadder, harder, dimmer.

But Not Lost.

And then

This prison of despair cracked open

Love flooded in

And I floated away

To live.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Elaine permalink
    February 21, 2019 7:58 am

    Just beautiful. What a joy you were to each other ❤️

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